Finley

can i tell you a secret baby girl?

i didn’t mind nursing. in fact, i loved it. it was one of my favorite times with you.

every night, when the house was quiet and your sisters and daddy were sound asleep, i would be working away at my computer downstairs when i would hear you stir. as you cried your urgent, frantic tears, i would call out, “mommy’s coming,” and run up the stairs, two at a time, to get to you.

when i opened the door to the nursery, i would see you sitting up, the back of your tiny hand rubbing your eyes. you looked so small and helpless, sitting there in the middle of the bed. i would scoop you up and you would instantly stop crying. “mommy’s here. mommy’s here.”

i would grab your bunny and your blanket and we would cuddle up in the glider. mommy and finley together while the rest of the world slept. it was bliss for both of us.

but, at 13 1/2 months, you have decided to wean yourself. i knew this moment was coming and i swore that i was totally ready for it. ready for that little bit of freedom. now your daddy and i can go out before 8pm for dinner and marissa can put you to bed. but, now that it is here, i am a little sad.

last night, as I nursed you, i knew it was probably the last time. i have been weaning you slowly, dropping one feed at a time. tonight you decided that it was time to say goodbye to our before bed feeding as well.

as you nursed, i wished that someone were there to take some pictures for me – a picture of your feet crossed, a picture of your eyes closed as you drank, a picture of your fingers tangled in my hair. i don’t want to forget any of it. i can feel the memories slipping away already.

last night as I rocked you to sleep, your arms wrapped around my neck, your body hugging me like a baby bear, i knew that as we end our mother-baby bond of nursing, we will replace it with other forms of bonding. there will be hugs and cuddles and kisses that magically heal. there will be snuggles at bedtime and long talks after lights out. there will be stories and secrets and giggles.

and one day, i pray, i will be there with you as you learn to nurse your baby. i will promise you the pain will end and the bliss will come – those early days aren’t easy. i will burp and diaper so you can rest.

and when it comes time for you to wean, i will take photographs so you can remember.