Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Trip to the Baltimore Zoo
it's finally happened! marissa has grown up, gotten a "real" job and is leaving us. we are so happy for her, but are going to miss her so much. she started baby sitting for us when the twins were 18 months old and has been with finley her entire life. my girls adore her and she has really become part of our family.
so, with that said, we have decided to do lots of fun things with the girls before she starts her new job. today we took them to the baltimore zoo and it was a blast!
so, with that said, we have decided to do lots of fun things with the girls before she starts her new job. today we took them to the baltimore zoo and it was a blast!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Heidi Sue
I am having such a hard time sleeping. Even when I do fall asleep, my thoughts and dreams are filled with thoughts of Heidi. Every noise leaves me hoping that it’s the sound of her nails tap tapping on the hardwood floors or her snoring, so loudly, like a grown man. Our alarm chimes every time you open the door and that was usually followed by a loud series of barks. Not anymore, just the chime and then a very deafening silence.
I thought it might help me in the grieving process to write down some of the things that made Heidi the wonderful dog that she was. I don’t ever want to forget the little things and I feel like as time goes on, I will start to do that if I don’t write things down.
I remember working with people who would call in sick when their dog died. I thought, “why, it’s just a dog.” Now I understand. Heidi was our family. She was AKC registered as “Princess Heidi Sue Lee”, changed to Beynon when Drew and I got married. Heidi was a behavioral nightmare and would never have been a “Best in Show” kind of dog, but she was family.
I got her when I still lived in Pensacola and was there the morning that she was born. She was one of four, the only female and as soon as she could stand, she wobbled over to me, all ½ pounds of her with those long chicken legs. We were a pair from that moment on. At only three months, she traveled cross-country with me as I packed everything in my car and drove to San Diego, CA for my first traveling nursing assignment. I couldn’t have asked for a better roommate or travel companion. In just a few years, we moved to Maryland, Connecticut, North Carolina and back to Maryland. Drew jokes that he may have even fallen for her before me.
The first night I brought her home, I remember the breeder telling me not to let her sleep with me. It was important that I crate train her from the first day. When it came time for bed, I put her in the crate and went into my room. Within minutes, she started to cry. I of course felt guilty because she was so tiny so I brought the crate into my room. I laid on the floor with my fingers in the crate and that appeased her for about 5 minutes. Finally, I was so tired that I put her in the bed with me and she fell sound asleep. 10 years later, that silly girl was still sleeping with me every night. She had my heart from day one.
It wasn’t hard to fall for her. She was a most unusual Min Pin. Most are loyal only to their owners, but not Heidi. She walked into a room with the assumption that everyone there loved her and if they didn’t, what was wrong with them? She had so much personality and smarts to match. Sometimes her smarts got her into trouble. It was nothing for her to remember that we had had chicken that night for dinner and after Drew and I fell sound asleep, she would sneak out and have a midnight snack right out of the trashcan. We always had the cleanest floors because “Heidi Hoover” kept it that way.
She had the best temperament and tolerated most everything. Way back before the girls were born, Heidi had clothes, yes, I dressed up my dog. She had sweaters in the winter, bathing suits in the summer and even a cool Hawaiian shirt that she wore to a party once.
She had a sixth sense for when I was sad and on more than one occasion, licked my face if I cried. She knew just when to cuddle up next to me and without having to do anything, I felt better. When the twins were born, I remember the look on her face as we brought in not one, but two car seats with new babies. She looked back and forth at them and then at Drew and I like, seriously, two? But she loved them as much as they loved her. And then again when we brought home baby #3, Heidi gracefully took her place as 4th. I never worried about her with any of the girls, she tolerated everything they did to her and never retaliated, even when they dressed her in doll clothes.
She always just wanted to be near us. She had to be where we were. She just wanted to have her little paw touching you, maybe your foot, your hand, or your leg, just needed that physical contact.
Heidi brought so much joy & laughter to our life & home. I've been tempted to feel guilty for neglecting her once the babies were born. But Drew has reminded me that she knew we loved her. Although we have been occupied being parents, Heidi knew she was loved. Heidi knew she was loved, very, very much. Heidi’s existence had purpose.
I am so thankful that Heidi was ours for 10 years. For 10 years, we were her home. Her safe place.
I know as the months pass and we begin to try to heal, there will be more stories and memories of our girl. The tears have not even begun to stop, I don’t know when they will. We love you so much, Heidi Sue and I miss you, I really do.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Happy 4th Birthday Preslee and Mason
they have magic in their eyes.
do you see it? the wealth of possibilities just bubbling over? they believe absolutely anything is possible. they think i can do anything….and are just beginning to question if i will be around forever.
they make me want to wear a cape, to sweep them away from any tough situation, to wrap them in my arms and keep them safe. everyday.
today, my babies, these tiny, little 34 week preemies made me a mommy.
it sounds so trite to say the last 1,460 days have been blinked away, but it most definitely feels as though they have. i blinked and they were born. i blinked and they could walk. i turned around to cook dinner and they were talking. i stopped for 15 minutes to have another baby and they could sing, turn a cartwheel and play soccer. i ran to the grocery store and they have almost finished their first year of pre-school.
of course, what i’m neglecting here, are the million hugs and “i love you, mommys”. each one of those is etched into my soul. they are the most special because it means they feel loved, they feel cared for and respected.
i have tried and failed no less than a dozen times this week to write down how i feel about my daughters, preslee and mason. a quick note to my birthday girls:
My Sweet Girls,
When you were born, I was so taken by your soft hair and your big beautiful eyes, I couldn’t bear to look away. I forced myself to let other people hold you, if only to spread the joy that seeped from your pores.
I now find myself having a similar experience. While you have grown from helpless infants to an ’I can do it’ toddling toddlers to the independent little treasures you are now, I have often held my breath, hoping I would know when to hold your hand and when to stand behind you with a little push. When I look into your eyes, I see possibilities. You truly believe ANYTHING can happen.
And that is magic….
The kind of magic I will bottle and do my best to sprinkle over you as you sleep each and every night. You can’t put a price on that kind of faith in the world.
During this last year – your fourth, I have seen the most significant changes in you – more than walking, more than talking. As these are tremendous milestones, they seem rooted in the physical. What I am witnessing now is the growth of your mind, of your heart. You are learning compassion and empathy. You are learning to give, to hurt, to be you.
I am so incredibly proud of the little girls who wanted to make just one more box at Christmas to give to other children. I am in awe of the sweet girls, once so timid, who made a huge birthday invite list – unwilling to leave anyone out.
You are these beautiful little souls. From you I have learned patience, I have experienced family, and I have evolved. I am a better person for having you in my life. I loved watching you become not only sisters, but friends. A friendship that started long before you were even born. You still reach out for each other, just like you did as baby's, just to make sure the other one is there. I love even more your friendship with Finley and how much you adore her. I know that the three of you will grow up to be the best of friends.
Happy, Happy Birthday to my sweet baby girls..wishing you a million days that reflect the possibilities you see. Thank you for giving me the best gift that anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for making me a mommy.
I love you all the love in the world.
Love, Mommy
(I LOVE this picture. You were only a few months old and I think it was the first time you realized that you were that close). You have never been far from each other since)
do you see it? the wealth of possibilities just bubbling over? they believe absolutely anything is possible. they think i can do anything….and are just beginning to question if i will be around forever.
they make me want to wear a cape, to sweep them away from any tough situation, to wrap them in my arms and keep them safe. everyday.
today, my babies, these tiny, little 34 week preemies made me a mommy.
it sounds so trite to say the last 1,460 days have been blinked away, but it most definitely feels as though they have. i blinked and they were born. i blinked and they could walk. i turned around to cook dinner and they were talking. i stopped for 15 minutes to have another baby and they could sing, turn a cartwheel and play soccer. i ran to the grocery store and they have almost finished their first year of pre-school.
of course, what i’m neglecting here, are the million hugs and “i love you, mommys”. each one of those is etched into my soul. they are the most special because it means they feel loved, they feel cared for and respected.
i have tried and failed no less than a dozen times this week to write down how i feel about my daughters, preslee and mason. a quick note to my birthday girls:
My Sweet Girls,
When you were born, I was so taken by your soft hair and your big beautiful eyes, I couldn’t bear to look away. I forced myself to let other people hold you, if only to spread the joy that seeped from your pores.
I now find myself having a similar experience. While you have grown from helpless infants to an ’I can do it’ toddling toddlers to the independent little treasures you are now, I have often held my breath, hoping I would know when to hold your hand and when to stand behind you with a little push. When I look into your eyes, I see possibilities. You truly believe ANYTHING can happen.And that is magic….
The kind of magic I will bottle and do my best to sprinkle over you as you sleep each and every night. You can’t put a price on that kind of faith in the world.
During this last year – your fourth, I have seen the most significant changes in you – more than walking, more than talking. As these are tremendous milestones, they seem rooted in the physical. What I am witnessing now is the growth of your mind, of your heart. You are learning compassion and empathy. You are learning to give, to hurt, to be you.
I am so incredibly proud of the little girls who wanted to make just one more box at Christmas to give to other children. I am in awe of the sweet girls, once so timid, who made a huge birthday invite list – unwilling to leave anyone out.
You are these beautiful little souls. From you I have learned patience, I have experienced family, and I have evolved. I am a better person for having you in my life. I loved watching you become not only sisters, but friends. A friendship that started long before you were even born. You still reach out for each other, just like you did as baby's, just to make sure the other one is there. I love even more your friendship with Finley and how much you adore her. I know that the three of you will grow up to be the best of friends.
Happy, Happy Birthday to my sweet baby girls..wishing you a million days that reflect the possibilities you see. Thank you for giving me the best gift that anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for making me a mommy.
I love you all the love in the world.
Love, Mommy
(I LOVE this picture. You were only a few months old and I think it was the first time you realized that you were that close). You have never been far from each other since)
Friday, January 14, 2011
Happy Second Birthday Finley!
finley,
just how did you get so big?
sometimes when you come to me and say "wet's go outside" and take off running towards the door, you seem so big.
but when you come back and grab my finger with your itty bitty hand to lead me out with you, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you climb up and down off the couch on your own, you seem so big.
but when you move right next to me and and lay your sweet little head in my lap, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
in the mornings when i hear you on the monitor wake up and say "ALL DONE!", you seem so big.
but when i walk in your room and find you curled up in the corner of your bed with "Bitty" and "Bank", i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you are determined to wash your own hair in the bathtub, and work so hard to fill the empty soap bottle with water and pour it over your head to get the shampoo out, you seem so big.
but when i scrub your little body and it only takes the tiniest bit of soap, i remember then that you are still my baby girl.
as you take off running across the yard and make it all the way to the swings by yourself, you seem so big.
but when you reach out for my hand to help you climb the steps, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when i leave you with marissa to go out for the afternoon and you wave and say, "bye mommy" you are so big. but then when i walk through the door later that same day and you run so fast with your tiny arms stretched out to me saying, "mommy, i miss you", i remember you are still my baby girl.
when i rock you at night and it feels like your body extends forever, you seem so big.
but when you fall into a deep sleep and melt into my arms, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you insist on climbing into the big chairs at the table and eating all by yourself, you seem so big.
but when you actually sit in your high chair and the few times that you let me help you eat, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you try on every pair of shoes in your closet and you can barely get your toes in them, you seem so big.
but when you are playing with my shoes and trying to walk in something that swallows you, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you want to sit and turn the pages and read your books without any help, you seem so big.
but when you bring me your favorite book and crawl up in my lap while saying "read it mommy", i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you do everything to your babies that i would do to you (give them juice, put on their clothes, rock them, etc.) you seem so big.
but when i get to do those things for you, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you try to put on and take off your own clothes, you seem so big.
but when you get twisted and stuck in them and you need me to rescue you, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you yell from the other room "mommy! are you?" and i reply and hear you say "okay", you seem so big.
but when you come following me and say, "mommy, hold you", i remember you are still my baby girl.
you, my third child, my baby forever, melt my heart. i used to get a little sad when i thought that you would be my last baby, but not anymore. you completed our family. you are getting bigger each and every day, but there is one thing that will never change. you will ALWAYS be my baby girl.
finley clark beynon, these first two years with you have been amazing. you are absolutely enchanting and you captivate everyone who meets you. i can't even begin to imagine how wonderful the next two years are going to be. i am so thankful to be your mommy. happy birthday sweet girl!
i love you "all the love in the world",
mommy
2 Year Stats:
33 1/2 inches tall-25%
23 LBS 14.6 ozs-10%
just how did you get so big?
sometimes when you come to me and say "wet's go outside" and take off running towards the door, you seem so big.
but when you come back and grab my finger with your itty bitty hand to lead me out with you, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you climb up and down off the couch on your own, you seem so big.
but when you move right next to me and and lay your sweet little head in my lap, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
in the mornings when i hear you on the monitor wake up and say "ALL DONE!", you seem so big.
but when i walk in your room and find you curled up in the corner of your bed with "Bitty" and "Bank", i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you are determined to wash your own hair in the bathtub, and work so hard to fill the empty soap bottle with water and pour it over your head to get the shampoo out, you seem so big.
but when i scrub your little body and it only takes the tiniest bit of soap, i remember then that you are still my baby girl.
as you take off running across the yard and make it all the way to the swings by yourself, you seem so big.
but when you reach out for my hand to help you climb the steps, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when i leave you with marissa to go out for the afternoon and you wave and say, "bye mommy" you are so big. but then when i walk through the door later that same day and you run so fast with your tiny arms stretched out to me saying, "mommy, i miss you", i remember you are still my baby girl.
when i rock you at night and it feels like your body extends forever, you seem so big.
but when you fall into a deep sleep and melt into my arms, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you insist on climbing into the big chairs at the table and eating all by yourself, you seem so big.
but when you actually sit in your high chair and the few times that you let me help you eat, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you try on every pair of shoes in your closet and you can barely get your toes in them, you seem so big.
but when you are playing with my shoes and trying to walk in something that swallows you, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you want to sit and turn the pages and read your books without any help, you seem so big.
but when you bring me your favorite book and crawl up in my lap while saying "read it mommy", i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you do everything to your babies that i would do to you (give them juice, put on their clothes, rock them, etc.) you seem so big.
but when i get to do those things for you, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you try to put on and take off your own clothes, you seem so big.
but when you get twisted and stuck in them and you need me to rescue you, i remember that you are still my baby girl.
when you yell from the other room "mommy! are you?" and i reply and hear you say "okay", you seem so big.
but when you come following me and say, "mommy, hold you", i remember you are still my baby girl.
you, my third child, my baby forever, melt my heart. i used to get a little sad when i thought that you would be my last baby, but not anymore. you completed our family. you are getting bigger each and every day, but there is one thing that will never change. you will ALWAYS be my baby girl.
finley clark beynon, these first two years with you have been amazing. you are absolutely enchanting and you captivate everyone who meets you. i can't even begin to imagine how wonderful the next two years are going to be. i am so thankful to be your mommy. happy birthday sweet girl!
i love you "all the love in the world",
mommy
2 Year Stats:
33 1/2 inches tall-25%
23 LBS 14.6 ozs-10%
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Lucky
i never dreamed my lap and arms would be this full of kids and life and energy. i never dreamed that becoming a mom would change me as much as it has- since the first moment a baby was placed in my arms. the highs have been higher; the lows, lower. from great joy to tears and everything in between, i have experienced it and felt it over the past 4 years. before we got pregnant, i never imagined myself changing diapers for this long. i had no idea that twins could go through over 4000 diapers in the first year alone! i had no idea i would think that 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep was a good nights sleep.
i never knew that kids could whisper, "i love you" or "you're the best mommy ever" and turn my mood around in an instant. my girls have asked more of me than i thought i could ever give some days, yet not a day goes by that demands too much of me. i will always have more love to give. more kisses and hugs to share. more pinky-promises to swear to them of my undying love, and more hope in my heart for what they will become.
it is overwhelming to be a mom- on so many different levels- and yet it's the most natural, wonderful thing i know how to do. love and wish and expect and dream and always be there for them no matter what. this is what motherhood means to me. i can only hope that i am living up to my expectations, if even in small part.
being a mom has changed me. i wouldn't want it any other way.
i love you, preslee, mason and finley! you are undeserving gifts in my life. forever and always. thanks for helping me become the mom i am lucky enough to be. i can't believe in a few days all of my girls are going to be a year older. your party on saturday is going to be amazing! i love you!!
mommy
i never knew that kids could whisper, "i love you" or "you're the best mommy ever" and turn my mood around in an instant. my girls have asked more of me than i thought i could ever give some days, yet not a day goes by that demands too much of me. i will always have more love to give. more kisses and hugs to share. more pinky-promises to swear to them of my undying love, and more hope in my heart for what they will become.
it is overwhelming to be a mom- on so many different levels- and yet it's the most natural, wonderful thing i know how to do. love and wish and expect and dream and always be there for them no matter what. this is what motherhood means to me. i can only hope that i am living up to my expectations, if even in small part.
being a mom has changed me. i wouldn't want it any other way.
i love you, preslee, mason and finley! you are undeserving gifts in my life. forever and always. thanks for helping me become the mom i am lucky enough to be. i can't believe in a few days all of my girls are going to be a year older. your party on saturday is going to be amazing! i love you!!
mommy
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