Happy First Birthday Finley!

my sweet baby finley,

it was one year ago today when you breathed your first breath in this world. one year since the doctor held you up for us to see and daddy cried out, "it’s another beautiful baby girl!" we just could not believe it. one year since he and i gazed into each other's eyes, beaming, crying. how proud we were that you were born, that you were our daughter. and how proud we are today.

today you are one year old. it's impossible for me to think of your first year and not have my eyes well up with tears. i love you, finley, and i am crying sweet, happy tears as i celebrate the bittersweet fact that you are already growing up. that you are really one year old. i love you so much, finney foo. i eagerly anticipated your first smile, can’t wait for the day when you learn to say your big sisters' names, beamed with pride as you took your first step, and daydream about the days of putting ponytails in your hair.

but to be perfectly honest, if i could bottle you up right now, i would in a beat of my heart. that way i would be able to savor the sweet smell of your head forever. feel your warm baby breath on my cheek as i rock you. brush my fingertips across your soft silky hair. feel a closeness to you like nothing else as i nurse you. gaze forever into your eyes as you search for mine. embrace your tiny, little body. listen forever to your baby gurgles and sighs. rock you as we gaze into the moonlight together, when the rest of our family sleeps, and it is just you and i. sing quiet lullabies to you as your eyelids flutter and close. how had i ever thought life was complete without you?


in the past year, we’ve gone through a lot of changes together. we struggled through those first days of breastfeeding and late nights of both of us crying together in the dark. we bonded in the quiet hours of dawn when just the two of us were awake, even the birds not up and singing. i counted your toes and stroked your head while you slept in my arms, your head pressed against my heart. and we learned together about bottles (you hated them) and diapers (we liked pampers) and the things that you loved (heidi, music, and being held).
i listened to the silence of your sleep and raced to your side more than once- just to check. i have found joy in every single day being your mommy. i watched in amazement as you changed, sometimes from hour to hour, it seemed. we played and we laughed and we snuggled.

and you grew.

from the very beginning, you were an alert baby. eyes wide open and ready to take in the world. curious and nosy by nature, that desire to know and see everything has only grown with you. each day brought a new facial expression, a new vocalization, and pure, sweet joy found in your face. you were smiling around 5 weeks and at 2 months you giggled out loud. during that same time period you rolled over for the first time. at 7 months you were pulling up to stand . at 8 months you crawled and you haven’t stopped moving yet. and just this last week at 11 months, you took your first steps while your daddy, your sisters and i cheered you on.
as i write this letter i want so desperately to tell you every moment of this last year, to help you realize how much i’ve loved each milestone, every giggle, silly look and mischievous grin. i would not trade any minute we’ve spent together. i thank God every day that he sent you to us and i hope someday you can read this letter and know that no parents were ever so blessed and no baby was ever so loved as you and your sisters.

i love you so much, finley, and i am very sad that you won't be my tiny baby forever.
of course, you'll always be my baby in the way that preslee and mason are still my babies. in the way that i am still my mother's baby and in the way that she is still the baby of her parents. grow up you must, grow up you will, and i will find joy and happiness in that journey. but i will always cherish these fleeting baby moments with you. i will enter your childhood with no regrets about your short baby days. i will leave no kiss unkissed and no cuddle uncuddled, no matter what the hour of day or night. i know too well now, my dear sweet third baby, how precious and momentary sweet infancy is.
since i cannot keep you tiny forever, i will make the sweetest, deepest memories that i can, now while you are little. and when you are all grown up, i will fondly remember your first year, with warm, sweet, happy tears in my eyes once again.

i love you, finley. Happy 1st Birthday. i can’t wait for our next year of adventure.

love,
mommy